Purge-a-tory

Stopping at this small corner of an often difficult world to humbly relate where things are in my mind and heart.

I realize as I attempt to learn to use all this new equipment, that I won't realistically be able to understand the majority of its capabilities. That's ok. I love the art I can make knowing just a small percentage of what Photoshop is capable of doing. Accepting that I don't need to know everything about the camera, the tilted lens, the gimbal, or the multiple software to get the few humble Halfland shots I'm after. Hopefully.

I'm currently also in a giant purge-a-tory in Halfland, not just for the project but for every bit of my mind.

I've been sorting through thousands of scraps of paper with every idea I've ever had, pasting each important image or thought saved in the right place in one of 22 art journals. Each of my 88 project ideas has been recorded, graded, and prioritized in a 3" thick idea index binder. I stay at home 24/7, doing housework in shared areas and preparing all of our meals. Tending to large home repair projects as well as finally planting a 5-bed vegetable garden.

All the stockpiles of thoughts kept in boxes for decades are now organized, utilized, and applied or discarded for good. For years previously, I lived in overwhelming clutter and chaos in my areas, unable to cope with the onslaught of creation that outstripped my ability to function.

Living this way, with no other distraction, has shown me that I likely have the typical neurodivergent issues artists tend to have. The madness of it causes me to consider whether my entire obsession in making Halfland may in fact be nothing more than yet another mental compulsion, some kind of coping mechanism for unconscious anxiety. Good things can be gained from these kinds of fixations regardless of their origins. I bet most obsessive projects, especially those made by lone makers over a lengthy period, were created for these similar reasons. They can still astonish and inspire if they can be done.

I looked at whether I could let go of making Halfland in any form, how much of my headspace would be unburdened by the weight of it if declared as over. I could apologize to the readers here and to those that made incredible puppets for the undersea shot for taking their time under false pretenses. It wasn't my intent to fail to launch if I have. The delay is mammoth by any measure but I still think I can make it happen.

I keep thinking I can do a version of everything envisioned for it, even as my hair has turned from dark to grey. I feel it as a race, a finished sequence or my life. This isn't Sisyphus moving a mountain with a spoon and learning to love it. I already love it enough to happily do just this for 10,000 years (for the Highest Good). No, this feels more like being a fruitfly at the dump, more to do than can be done in my life perhaps.

I'm scrambling to capture frames for a small true test, from shooting through editing. If I can get it to look 50% or more of what I'd like Halfland to look like, I will continue. If it falls short, I'll have to figure out how to take what I've made into illustrations for a book like Lona. That's my Plan B.

These lockdown years have afforded me the luxury of getting into the corners and, as ruthlessly as possible, shining a light on each idea and weighing it against actually shooting frames for Halfland. Many creative projects I'm still in love with doing have been set aside and officially decommissioned.

It's now down to doing. I have to re-develop a new skin for youthful characters Yanu and Kyra as the paper finish made them look too much like their maker. Looking at non-toxic silicone backed with air dry foam clay. Having to re-make all the smaller hands as the ones done looked too clunky. Trying multiple fine almaloy wire and small beads for bones.

I have to re-design Tarn's face to be more as I intended with beak as nose rather than as mouth.

The full landscape needs to be finished, backdrops hung, soil laid, and handmade grass planted. The birch forest needs their suggestion of leaves as they'll be seen in blur at the edges. Everything thing else is made and ready.

I keep looking for help with it but that's hard to figure out when I'm still at home in isolation. Was thinking of using productivity apps and this blog as a partner of sorts. But it takes me too long to make even a simple update post.